Crime Doesn't Take A Vacation
by Miss Interrogative
Summary: ...or does it? All good villains need a vacation! The Joker, Harvey Dent, and Jonathan Crane take a spectacular trip to Gotham's finest resort. Bad things ensue...
1. The Arrival

Yes, it's in some strange sort of script form. Why, you ask? This is purely for amusement not in any way supposed to be taken seriously. It's purely in the fun of writing about three happy little villains! So if you're looking for some serious angst or slashy-type fic, I suggest you continue searching.

Oh and I don't own the Joker, Harvey, or the Scarecrow. Hmm but if I did...mind wanders

* * *

Here we find our beloved villains on a warm summer day ready for a great time of relaxation. Well, the Joker and Harvey are. Crane isn't. They made him drive. He was pissed. But currently the Joker was explaining the reason for his spur-of-the-moment idea to take a break from CRIME!

Joker: And so _that_ is what gave me the great idea of going on a vacation to this resort place.

Harvey: You listened to a commercial ad?

Joker: It had to have been the cheesy music. After I heard that, I was SOLD! Hey and we all deserve a bit of a break, don't we? We work just as hard as normal civilians do! Probably even harder! We have an image to uphold!

Crane: I'm touched with the whole inviting me part, but next time try calling and asking me instead of breaking into my apartment at three in the morning, blindfolding me, telling me you were the CIA and that you guys were about to torture me.

Harvey: Don't blame me, that was all the Joker's idea.

Crane: Okay, and whose idea was it to blow up my apartment after even though there was absolutely NO NEED to do so.

Joker: (raises hand) Yeahhhh…that was me again. But I made it up to all of you. I got us a deluxe room with three beds.

Crane/ Harvey: YAY!!

So the long drive continues on and the whole time the Joker is kicking Crane's seat and Crane is getting all pissy. But that's okay, because they finally make it to the resort place and rush excitedly inside. They go up to the reception desk. Bad things ensue.

Reception Lady: Last name?

Joker: Joker.

Reception Lady: First name?

Joker: The.

Reception Lady: The…The…The…AH! Here we go. Room with a single bed.

Joker: No, no, no. It was a _deluxe_ room with _three_ beds.

Reception Lady: Oh sorry sir, but we have you down for a one single bed.

Crane/Harvey: OO You said-!

Joker: Relax, let me try to get things straightened. Just go sit down and I'll handle it. (turns to reception lady) Look lady, I paid for a deluxe room! And that is what I demand to receive!!

Reception Lady: Sorry but there is nothing we can do about it. All the other rooms are already taken.

Joker: See here, I could kill you right now if I wanted to, that man with the bacon face over there could shoot you in that pretty face, and that boy with glasses can send you into your deepest nightmare. You don't want us getting displeased. And there is no way you're changing my mind.

Reception Lady: How about I give you free tickets to tomorrow night's magic show?

Joker: DEAL!

The Joker bounces away happily from the reception desk with the free tickets and room key in hand. The Joker lurves magic! We all know that! But Crane and Harvey weren't so happy with it. But too bad! So our three favorite villains go up to their room.

Harvey: There's only one bed!! I thought you got this fixed Joker!

Joker: Weeellll…I didn't. But before you start getting angry at me, let me tell you that I _did_ get free tickets to a magic show tomorrow!

Harvey: You traded our room in for free tickets?

Joker: But it's magic!

Crane: (spots the complementary fruit basket sitting on the table) Wow! A complementary fruit basket! I feel so important :)

The Joker steps in front of Crane and grabs the basket off the table.

Joker: I'll be taking that now. Thank you.

Crane: Hey! I wanted a fruit!

Joker: Who here paid for the room, _hmm_?

Crane: I did!! You stole my credit card and used it to pay for this room!

Joker: …Look, let's not start pointing fingers at who stole whose credit card. Let's focus of the matter at hand.

Crane: That matter being that I would like my basket of fruit back now.

Joker: I think we can come to a very rational solution to this problem and that is-

The Joker breaks off his sentence and makes a run towards the window at the other side of the room. Crane lunges after him, but just as Jonathan gets a hold of the back of the Joker's coat, the Joker pushes the window open and throws the basket out the window. That is the unfortunate end to the very delicious fruit basket.

Joker: -_no one_ will get any fruit!

Crane: (wide eyed and shocked) You…You…You…

Harvey: …He…?

Crane: You fuckin' SADISTIC MANAIC!!

Joker: AHAHAHAHA!!

Crane: You just want to ruin everyone's day! No matter what it makes!

Joker: Hey good observation, doctor. How long did it take you to figure _that_ one out?

Crane: My fruit… :(

Joker: Anyways, now that that's over with, LET'S GO SWIMMING!!

Our three humble villains reach the pool area and it was absolutely picture perfect! A large, soft lawn surrounded the pool area and the whole place looked like a mini tropical paradise. Lounge chairs with umbrellas were set around and small private tents were also set up around the perimeter. At the center of the pool was a bar for anyone who felt like getting drunk in the water.

Crane: This place is incredible. Maybe this trip isn't so horrible after all.

Harvey: :(

Joker: Why so serious Harvey?

Harvey: I can't get in the water. I'm not allowed to get my head wound wet :(

Joker: Is that so? That's unfortunate. I wanted us to play chicken together.

Harvey: This is unfair. Why is the world so cruel to me? (sigh) If you need me I'll be at that mini bar drinking my problems away.

Harvey took his leave and went out to the mini bar located in the center of the pool. Of course he was very cautious while stepping into the water. No, he wasn't wearing his suit in the water. He obviously had some shorts on.

Joker: Fine! Suit yourself Harvey! Crane and I can have barrels of fun without you! Isn't that right Jonathan? (looks to his side and realizes Jonathan is not there) Jonathan?

The Joker looks about and spots Crane sitting in one of the lounge chairs reading a book. The Joker skips over to him, ready to ruin Crane's happy reading time.

Joker: Oh Jonathan Crane!

Crane: (not taking his eyes off his book) What do you want, Joker? I'm trying to enjoy myself.

Joker: I have a greater idea for enjoyment!

Crane: I don't want to hear it.

Joker: Yes you do!

The Joker grabs the book away from Crane and tosses it into the water. Crane lets out a silent scream since it had been an extremely rare book that he went to hell and back to get. Crane rushes to the pool and reaches in to retrieve his book. Destroyed. Soaked and destroyed. Crane seethes in anger as the Joker approaches from behind.

Joker: So now that I have your attention, I was thinking we could-

But before the Joker can finish, Crane grabs him by the collar of his jacket and pushes him into the pool. The Joker splashes in, clothes and all, and surfaces.

Crane: I don't want to do _anything_ with you! If Harvey didn't keep me from hurting you, I would have killed you a long time ago!

Joker: That really hurts Jonathan. Are you canceling our friendship? I'm crushed.

Crane merely rolls his eyes at the Joker who has now gone into hysterics. Crane walks back to his chair and leaves the Joker floating alone in the water.

Joker: Jonathan!! Where are you going? Don't leave your friend hanging, er, floating here!

Crane: (sigh) I'm going on sunbathe.

So Crane lays down flat on the lounge chair with only a pair of shorts and sunglasses on. But now that the Joker got ditched by his two companions, he was left alone to entertain himself. This can't be a good thing…For the most part he was pushing unsuspecting people underwater and then swimming off. But eventually he got bored of that because people were just trying to stay away from him after. So he went to join his buddy Harvey at the bar.

Joker: Harvey Harvey Harvey! Why aren't you swimming? (notices Harvey's burnt side) Oh right right.

Harvey: (taking sip from drink) What do you want, Joker?

Joker: First I want you to buy me a drink.

Harvey: (shrug) No money left.

The Joker pulls out Crane's credit card from his pocket and they both laugh.

Harvey: Why are you still wearing you clothes in the water and how is it that you paint is not coming off?

Joker: Crane pushed me in! And my paint is water-proof.

Harvey: Waterproof? Well that's convenient.

Joker: I'm a convenient kind of guy.

After ordering more drinks, conversing about the effects of global warming (even villains have to worry about the planet), and discussing the meaning of life, the Joker begins to once again get restless.

Joker: Do you feel like making someone's life miserable?

Harvey: You mean like you did mine?

Joker: Ah yes something like that.

Harvey: Are we going to kill someone?

Joker: We might.

Harvey: Who?

Harvey notices the Joker looking in a particular direction. Harvey leans over him to see who it was he was looking at.

Harvey: _Crane_?

Joker: Sure, why not?

Harvey: No! He's my friend!

Joker: Aw, can't we at least hurt him a little?

Harvey: No!!

Joker: Break his legs?

Harvey: No!!

Joker: You are ruining my _fun_ here.

Harvey spots a group of girls standing not too far away from where Jonathan was reading. They seemed to be giggling and pointing at Crane. And then a brilliant idea sprung into Harvey's mind.

Harvey: I won't let you hurt the guy, but I sure know a way to freak him out.

Joker: Hmm, well it's not as fun as causing pain, but go on. Tell me…

Harvey: If there's anything I know about geeky guys, which isn't very much, I know what they dread the most.

Joker: Oooo and what's that?

Harvey: Girls.

* * *

Oh noes!! Plot development! What do the Joker and Harvey have planned next?! Hopefully this will get better, gah. To Be Continued...


	2. The Pool

Back yet again, doing this. Hopefully someone is enjoying this as much as I am writing it. I don't own the Joker, Harvey Dent (Two-Face), or Jonathan Crane (Scarecrow). Someone else does.

* * *

The Story So Far According To The Scarecrow: I AM FEAR PERSONIFIED!! FEAR ME!! I BRING NIGHTMARES INTO THE WORLD AND- (The Joker cuts in) Joker: Doctor Crane, no one fears you. You _fail_. Stop trying. (Crane sadly shuffles away defeated)

Jonathan Crane was dozing off in the midday sunshine. But something woke him from his dozing off! Gasp! Who could it be? And it wasn't the Joker this time…even worse. Crane slowly took off his sunglasses and opened to eyes to see who was standing over him.

Crane: (confused blinking)………….(Pause)…WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

Girl 1: z0mg! He's awake!

ARGH!! FANGIRLS!! OH NOES!! With their evil giggles and gawking eyes! Crane pulled his legs up to his chest to move himself as far from them as possible. Even the toughest of criminals can be scared shit by a mob of fangirls. That includes the Master of Fear himself.

Girl 2: Yew r SoOoOoOoOoOo KEWTE!!11!!

Crane: Th-that's nice…

Girl 3: Do you come here _often_??

Crane: Not anymore I won't…

Joker: (calling loudly from the pool) Aww come on Jonathan! Use those boyish good looks of yours!

Crane: …Excuse me for a second…

Crane jumped off his seat and paced quickly over to the pool deck. He was trying his best to look calm and collected, but he wasn't succeeding very well. The Joker swam up to the edge of the pool and looked up at Crane who looked like he was about to go into shock.

Joker: What's up, doc?

Crane: Okay I just _know_ you are somehow responsible for this.

Joker: (innocently) Meeeee?

Crane: Yes you! Why the fuck is there a mob of girls following me? Why did you tell them?

Joker: Ohhhh nothing really. Just something along the lines of you being a single and rich underwear model or something…You know, just putting in a good word for you with the ladies.

The flock of girls was standing about fifteen feet behind him, but Jonathan could still hear their uncontrollable giggles. This is bad…Well for a guy like Crane it was. He's a loser, you know.

Crane: You lame fuck!! Can't you ever leave me alone?!

Joker: No :)

Crane: Do something!

Joker: Me? Just use your, uh, pepper spray stuff…or whatever it is.

Crane: It's _fear gas_! And I didn't think I would _need_ any out here at the pool, but apparently I was wrong.

Joker: Tsk tsk tsk. That is why you are the inferior villain. A bad guy always carries a weapon with them. See! I have my trusty knife! (pulls out knife from pocket and swivels it in his hands playfully)

Crane: Are you going to help me or not?

Joker: What? You're still here? Well, _you_ didn't want to play with me in the pool so I'm feeling awfully betrayed right now.

Crane: Oh come on!!

Joker: You can always ask Har-

SMACK!! A ball comes flying from a random direction and hits the Joker aside and knocks his knife out of his hand. It drops into the water and slowly descends into the deep.

Joker: FUCK! MY KNIFE/ORANGE PEELER!! (A/N: Honestly, has anyone else tried taking a good look at the Joker's knife in TDK? It DOES look like an orange peeler!)

The Joker dives down for it while Crane goes off to find Harvey. The mob of girls follow, but still maintain distance. Harvey, in the meantime, had not paused his drinking at all since he and the Joker had carried out his plan. By this time, Harvey was not doing so well…

Harvey: (speaking to random guy sitting beside him in slurred/drunken voice) You know I used to be really sexy…Well, I-I, uh, I didn't always have a messed up face. Nope! I was like-uh-uh- fuckin' rad! I was the lawyer that women wanted to sleep with! But what chance do I have now, HUH?! HUH?! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!

Random guy: Who are you and why are you talking to me?

Harvey: The-the problem with you people is that you try too hard to be goody-goodies. But you know what screws you people up? Chance. Because, because chance is the real winner in the end. Oh and…man, you won't believe this, but I'm actually a criminal mastermind. Yeah, I KNOW you can't believe that! Like you're probably thinking, some freak…like that?! A criminal mastermind?! Well yeah! Like that! I can kill you right now if I wanted to…but I'm not. You know why I won't though, random guy? Because my coin told me so!!

Crane: Harvey!!

Harvey: Oh! Hey… (trying to remember Crane's name)…man.

Crane: Jonathan.

Harvey: You know what I meant! Uh. Uh. Let me introduce you to my friend here! Johann, this is _Ricardo_.

Random Guy: My name's not Richardo. I never even told you my name.

Harvey: Shut up Ricardo! to Crane Geez, isn't-isn't this guy such a riot? HAH! (slamming glass on table)

Crane: I don't have time for your drunken speech Harvey. Do you have my fear toxin?

Harvey: Speech? Hey, th-that's a good idea. Hey people listen up!! This man right here, see? The geek with the funny glasses and hair; he's my friend. He's like-uh, great. Way better than that fuckin' guy in purple over there who ruined my life. No, _this_ guy right here…He's-he's…bursting into tears and falling into Crane's arms I love you man!!

AWKWARD MAN-HUG MOMENT!!

Crane: Er, there there Harvey. It's all going to be alright. But right now I'd like my can of fear toxin. Do you have it?

Harvey: Uh, do I? Lemme check. (pulls out aerosol can from within depths of inside his shorts) There you go Joey.

Crane: Uhh…(grabbing it cautiously) Did you really have to store it there?

Harvey: These shorts have no fuckin' pockets!! AUGH!!

And with that melodramatic speech by drunken and impaired Harvey Dent, we go back to our scene with Jonathan Crane who has returned to his lounge chair. Feeling much more at ease with the aerosol can from hell in his grasp, he goes back to tanning. The flock of girls overtake his personal space once more. They whisper mildly disturbing things to him and tousle his hair lightly. But this time, Jonathan is prepared! Crane gets up slowly and walks away. The giant mob follows him as he disappears into a private tent set up by the pool which the girls enter after him. A few seconds pass…and then all that is heard is screaming and wailing and crying and complete chaos!! All of the fangirls rush out of the tent and stampede out into the lawn and over the fence. They never return. Crane walks out of the tent looking as calm and collected as ever. He walks back to his sun chair, sits down, and continues his tanning.

But enough about Crane's resolved predicament. Let's go over to the Joker who still continues to scavenge the bottom depth of the pool in search of his knife/orange peeler.

Joker: Fuck fuck fuck…this whole hotel is going to pay the price if I can't find my fuckin' knife….

The Joker runs over to Harvey hoping that he might have seen his lovely knife floating along in the water.

Joker: Harvey Harvey Harvey! Have you-

Harvey: Oh COME ON!! It's always Harvey this and Harvey that and- (taking swig of drink) AND MAYBE I'M JUST FUCKIN' SICK OF IT! Why don't any of you care for my feeling?! Huh?!

Joker: Harvey I don't give a _fuck_ if you drop dead right now, but before you do, I need you to answer a very important question………… Have you seen my knife?

Harvey: Oh! Now I am of help to you and your little game! All of a sudden something doesn't go as planned, you come rushing to-to-to ME! Well I won't take any more of your reign of terror! I went along with your little stupid games for long enough! You ruined my life…AND NOW I WILL TAKE YOURS!!

Harvey pulls out a gun and aims it at the Joker. The Joker stares at him unmoved.

Joker: Look Harvey, for one thing, I honestly didn't mean for your girlfriend to die. It just sort of…happened! And second of all…that's a _water gun_ you're holding.

Harvey: ……..Is it?

He turns the water gun towards himself to inspect it closely. Then he presses down the trigger and sure enough, only water squirts out the end and wets his face.

Harvey: AUGH DAMN! I'm not supposed to get my face wet!!

The Joker jumps back into the pool and wades away from Harvey who has begun screaming long sentences of colorful language. The Joker spots Crane still sitting at the lounge chair basking in the sun. All the girls had been dispersed.

Joker: Scarecrow!!

Crane: Go. Away.

Joker: Okay, okay, so I know we haven't exactly been on good terms lately, but I am hoping that will all change and we can make up. How about we call it a truce, hmm?

Crane: Go. Away.

Joker: Fine. I see harmony is not your goal here. Well I just need to answer one simple question …………Have you seen my knife?

Crane pulls off his shades and looks at the Joker. His ice blue eyes peered analytically at him. Then it was his turn to smile.

Crane: Maybe.

Joker: Really? If you told me where then that would be _spectacular_.

Crane: No, actually I don't feel like it.

The Joker frowned and looked as if he was about to tear Crane's head off.

Joker: I _really really_ need that knife! My knife is to me what your pepper spray is to you!

Crane: Like I said before, it's fear gas! Not pepper spray! And your analogies are not going to change my mind.

Joker: How about we come to an agreement, hmm? You tell me where my knife is and-and…and I'll buy you the _biggest_ basket of fruit I can find!!

Crane: How about I tell you where it's not?

Joker: Where is it not?

Crane: It's not in the swimming pool.

Joker: Fuck!! Okay, fine, where is it?

Crane: I'm not telling.

Joker: Damn you Jonathan Crane! See, this is why I _hate_ villains. They can never give you a straight answer.

Crane: (Using his psychiatrist voice) Tell me Joker, do you fear losing your knife?

Joker: Oh no no no, don't think you can be psychoanalytical with me. I especially hate villains who just so happen to be psychiatrists too.

Crane: Well then that's too bad. Looks like I won't be telling you where your knife is after all.

Joker: Fine fine…I fear losing my knife. There, happy?

Crane continued to look at the Joker with his deep analytical stare. The Joker looked back into his eyes wondering if he was supposed to be laughing or be angry.

Crane: ……It's at the lost and found.

Joker: Finally!! See! Couldn't you just have said that to begin with? Then we wouldn't have needed to go into this. But now that I know what I need to know…

The Joker began to laugh, pulled back his arm, and cracked Jonathan right across the face with his fist. Crane fell backwards, stunned by what had just happened.

Joker: Oh and no I don't fear losing my knife, doctor. I lied about that.

When Jonathan finally shook away the aftershock, he picked himself up and stood. He saw the Joker happily skipping away back into the hotel.

Crane: (putting his hand up to his bleeding nose) I'm going to kill that fuckin' clown…

* * *

Ahhhh well. That's another chapter for you people. Next chapter: Restaurant adventures! Whoo!


	3. The Dinner

Okay, super long part. I was thinking of breaking this up into two parts but decided not to because this flows too nicely. And because it's long I'm making you WAIT for the next part! HAH! EVIL ME!! Hope you enjoy :)

And of course I own none of these happy villain friends.

* * *

The Story So Far According To Harvey Dent: Life sucks and then you die. (Thank you for those kind words, Harvey.)

Back inside the hotel room, the three villains have returned after a fun time of swimming, well Harvey didn't go in the water because he's not allowed to get his burnt flesh wet. The chlorine would hurt like hell. So there they are in their room when they decide that they want to eat. Should they call up room service for food or should they go to the nice expensive looking restaurant located downstairs? They decide to take a vote!

Joker: Let's relax in here. And then let's go crazy and call up room service!

Crane: No, no lets go to the restaurant downstairs. It looks absolutely exquisite.

Joker: And expensive. What the fuck is it with you and trying to be all _refined_?

Crane: I have good tastes.

Joker: Well then that leaves it up to Harvey Dent here. So, what will it be Harv, _hmm_?

Harvey: …….Erg…..

Joker: What was that?

Harvey: Uhhhh…maybe…..uhhhh….

Joker: JUST CHOOSE! Eat in or eat out?!

Harvey: Yargh! PRESSURE! COIN!!

**(ding!) **The coin flies up and Harvey catches it. He looks at it. What could it be?! The Joker and Crane lean in to look at the results. Tails.

Joker: Ok, tails. So what does that mean?

Harvey: ……….CRAP I FORGOT TO CHOOSE WHICH SIDE DECIDES WHAT!!

Harvey sits in the corner and cries. He's very depressed. The Joker and Crane go back to arguing about where to eat. And boy does that get intense! REAL INTENSE! These guys are just going at it! The Joker wants his way and pulls out a knife, waving it at Crane. Crane pulls out a small canister from his sleeve and points it at the Joker. Oh noes! Now they are stuck just staring each other down!

Joker: Jonathan, Jonathan. You wouldn't dare spray that at me! I'd cut you before you could!

Crane: Don't tempt me clown! I gassed a ravage mob of fangirls! Don't think I wouldn't do it to you either!

Suddenly they head a small _click_; they turn to the side and see Harvey standing there holding two guns, one pointed at the Joker, the other at Crane. Both Crane and Joker drop their weapons.

Harvey: We're eating out.

The Joker, Harvey, and Crane are sitting at a table in the center of the large dining area. Currently as we see our beloved villains, Harvey is being watched by little kids at a nearby booth. They laugh and stare at him and Harvey fights to hold in tears. The Joker is bouncing up and down in his seat, being as loud and disruptive as he can. Crane ignores both of them and holds the menu to his face. He's too cool and smooth to need worry about them two. The waitress comes to take their drink orders, her eyes moving immediately towards the young, sexy doctor with glasses.

Waitress: Would you like something to drink… and-then-sex-me-up?

Crane: Wait, what was that last part?? OO

Waitress: Would you like something to drink?

Crane: Oh um, diet coke.

Joker: Really? Are you trying to watch that figure of yours doctor? Good thing too, I think you're getting a bit round along the edges.

Crane glares angrily at him.

Joker: I demand Fanta! I want Fanta! Don't forget that lady!

Waitress looks freaked out. She turns to Harvey who is still on the verge of crying.

Harvey: Liquor.

Waitress: Well we have a variety of alcohols to choose from. We have-

Harvey: Do I look like I care?! The hardest liquor you have!

The waitress leaves to go get their drinks. The same three children that had been gawking at Harvey come up to the villain's table. Harvey has his hand in his pocket readying himself to blow the kids' heads off. But strangely enough, the kids bypass Harvey and walk up to the Joker. He stares at the kids standing in front of him, with the utmost sinister smile.

Little Girl: Are you a clown?

Joker: (deep sigh) Little girl, do you know who I am?

Little Girl: A clown?

Joker: Well, uh, yes and also-

Little Boy: Oh so that means you can make animals out of balloons!

Little Girl: (bouncing up and down happily) Make me a ponyyyyyy!!

Little Boy 2: Make me a giraffe!!

And suddenly the three kids are kicking and screaming and wailing and crying for their balloon animals. Ugh, honestly, kids are sooo demanding! And these kids are REALLY demanding! They are on the verge of crying because they want a balloon so badly. And man, imagine how this makes the Joker feel! The clown king of crime! Wait, or is it prince? Same difference. At the odds of these CHILDREN! Augh! The horror! The Joker pulls out his knife in frustration. Just then Crane leans in and, being really really cranky because he hadn't eaten since they got there, grabs the Joker's arm forcefully and brings him face-to-face. Aww, Crane never looked so PISSED!

Crane: Look! I put up with you forcing me to drive here, I put up with you kicking my seat the whole time in the car, I put up with your constant threats against my life, and I put up with your stupid jokes about my appearance!! BUT! I will NOT tolerate you ruining my vacation and especially my DINNER! So promise me Joker, that you will _NOT_ ruin my dinner!

Whoa. Oh man. That was intense. He's fed up with the Joker. D'aww cute.

Joker: (smiling) Why…of _course_ I promise.

Crane lets go of the Joker and pushes him away. The Joker laughs with the satisfaction of having pushed emotionless Crane so far over the edge. But the Joker pockets his knife anyways. But then he looks over and sees the kids are still screaming for their balloons. Dammit.

Joker: So, _children_. What is it you would like?

Little Girl: A pony!

Little Boy: A dinosaur!

Little Boy 2: A giraffe!

Joker: Well sorry to disappoint, but I don't _have_ any balloons!

The little kids start screaming louder than ever and people start looking their direction to see what all the commotion is about. Harvey is looking not so happy either. He leans over to the little children and looks at them face-to-face. The little kids gasp in terror as they can now see just how hideous his deformed face really is.

Harvey: So you know what happens to irritating little children like yourselves?

The kids are too stunned and frightened to reply.

Harvey: (in a grim voice) The same thing that happened to me.

The kids back away slowly and decide to get the hell away from the freak. As they leave, one of the little kids kicks the Joker in the shin. HAH!

Joker: OW! YOU LITTLE-

Crane: JOKER!!

So then the waitress arrives with their drinks. She sends Crane a flirtatious, little grin and he's immediately freaked out. He almost wishes that he had worn his mask to dinner. Almost.

Waitress: So here you go boys. (she hands each of them their drinks)

Harvey lunges for his drink and downs it all in one gulp. He slams the glass down on the table.

Harvey: Another!

Joker: Harvey, Harvey, you do realize that drinking is a very bad habit. It's also very bad for your health and image…well you can probably ignore the image part seeing as yours is quite messed up as it is. HAHAHA!!

Harvey: Shut up! You killed my wife-to-be!!

Joker: And now you're enjoying a great night out with me! Funny how things work out.

Harvey: Raaaaaaaaarghhhhh-awwwwwwughhhh!!

Joker: Crane, you're a psychiatrist. Help the guy; he's having a mental breakdown!

Crane: I'll try. (straightens up and puts on his professional face) Okay Mr. Dent. I think you should calm down and tell me how you feel.

Harvey: RAAAAAAAAAUUUUGHHH!! (fluttering arms in agony)

Crane: Now, now. That sort of behavior is not going to get us anywhere.

Harvey: Auuughhhh RAAAACHULLLL!! Grarrrrrrrr!!

Crane: I see…

Joker: Dr. Crane, that is the worst use of psychology I have EVER seen, and I don't know any other psychiatrists.

Waitress: So are you boys ready to order?

The three of them suddenly turn and realize that their waitress has been standing there the whole time. Now their thinking how creepy she is.

Harvey: I want RACHUL!! Boo hoo.

Joker: _Surprise_ me.

Crane: A salad.

The waitress continues to stare at Crane with lustful eyes. Crane squirms away from her. He REALLY wishes he had worn his mask. The waitress leaves. Crane plummets down in his chair exasperated. The Joker laughs loudly.

Joker: Very nice gal, huh? I say you take her.

Crane: No. My passions are scientific, not romantic.

Harvey: Crane, sometimes I think you're actually a robot.

Crane: Just because I prefer my job over a girl?

Harvey: Yup. Robot.

Joker: You need to lighten up Crane, you know, smile more! Like me!

Crane: That reminds me, for a person like who smiles so much, I suggest brushing your teeth more often. From my experiences, girls enjoy good hygiene.

Joker: AHAHAHAHA!! _Your_ experiences? Where on Earth did you ever gain experience from?

This was very hurtful to Crane because, as a matter of fact, he never really had a pretty little girlfriend or even a squeeze. Nope! Crazy, huh?! Someone so young and cute, like Jonathan Crane! But that's because he is always so busy with his toxins. Even a villain should have a romance life. No matter how fucked up it is!

Joker: Oh Jonathan, you are so innocent, no matter how many minds you've ruined with your fear gas. Just look at Harvey here!

Harvey: (sigh) Rachel…

Joker: He had his gal and I even had Harley! What about _you_ Dr. Crane? _Hmm_?

Crane: So you're saying that to become a true villain I need a girl?

Joker: EXACTLY!

Crane: (thinks back to the last relationship he could remember)

FLASHBACK

Girl: I really really like you Jonathan…

The girl grabs Crane's hand in a sign of affection. But Crane isn't very familiar with the idea of "affection" and jumps at the feel of her physical touch. So, by instinct, he grabs his canister of fear toxin and sprays it into her face. She drops to the ground screaming and he takes that moment to flee. She broke up with him the next day.

Back To Present

Joker: So what do you say?

Harvey: She'll make you happy.

Crane: No.

Joker: Oh well, it was worth a try. (casually takes a sip of his Fanta but immediately spits it out) OKAY WHAT KIND OF SICK JOKE IS THIS?!

The Joker jumps out of his seat obviously really pissed off by something.

Joker: I know funny! And this is definitely NOT funny! I wanted Fanta! This is Mr. Pibb!!

The Joker hurls his drink against the wall. The glass breaks into shards and the Mr. Pibb flies everywhere. Oh noes!! The people around the dining room are freaked out by the clown's antics and jump out of their seat. The manager comes in to see what the commotion is all about.

Manager: What is going on here? Um…(taken aback by the weirdo in his restaurant dressed like a clown) Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

Joker: I ordered a Fanta and I got shit!!

Manager: Please calm down sir. I'll bring you your Fanta right now. Just take a seat.

Joker: No! You had your chance.

The Joker pauses and an evil thought creeps into his mind. He reaches for the knife in his pocket and takes a step toward the manager.

Joker: You know, you remind me of my father…

Crane: Dammit! You promised!

The Joker stops and remembers his promise to Crane that he would not ruin dinner. He rolls his eyes in frustration and puts his knife away.

Joker: Wait, nevermind, no you don't. My father wasn't as ugly as you. Go and get me my Fanta. Go on, _GET_!

The manager goes away and the dining room somewhat goes back to normal. Except those people who are getting a little uneasy about the clown in the room with them.

Harvey: Question.

Joker: Yeeeessssss?

Harvey: Is that story about your father actually true?

Joker: Hehehehehiihii, doubt it.

Harvey: Ah. Just wondering.

Joker: Wow, you're not crying anymore! So does this mean you've stopped sobbing for the night?

Harvey: Yeah, I think I'm done crying for today.

Joker: You know what Harvey? I just feel soooo _bad_ about what happened to your gal-

Harvey: No you don't.

Joker: Shh, I'm not finished! I feel so bad about killing her, that I want to make it up to you. How about I buy you a puppy?

Harvey: I don't need your pity!

Joker: Maybe you don't need pity, but you definitely need a puppy. I've heard that having a pet actually reduces stress and depression levels. Isn't that nice? We'll get you a cute little Chihuahua. You can name it Rachel if you'd like!

Harvey: Hmmmmmm…

Joker: _Hm_…?

Harvey: I'm going to kill you.

Joker: Why isn't anyone accepting my help? I'm trying to be nice here!

The waitress arrives with the food, Fanta, and Harvey's second glass of alcohol.

Waitress: Here's your salad, hun.

She places the plate in front of Crane and places another plate in front of the Joker. He looks down at it bemused.

Joker: A pancake with my face drawn on it?

Waitress: Surprise!

Joker: If I hadn't promised Dr. Crane here that I wouldn't ruin dinner, you'd be dead right now.

Waitress: This is from the kid's menu so here! It comes with an activity page and crayons.

She hands the Joker a piece of paper with includes such activities as finding your way through the maze, coloring in the picture, and connect the dots. She then hands him a little box with basic color crayons. The waitress turns to Harvey who had already drank the entire second glass of liquor.

Waitress: You looked really sad so I was hoping this would make you feel better.

She places a large ice cream sundae in front of him and suddenly eyes go bright. It was enough to make anyone eyes gleam! Even the blind! Wait, sorry, bad joke. But this was the mother of _all_ ice cream sundaes!

Harvey: Wow!! Ice cream!! All for meeeeeeeeeee!!

The waitress leaves. The Joker pushes his pancakes away and immediately begins working on getting through the maze on the activity page. He wanted to use a purple crayon, but the box only had red, blue, yellow, and green. This really frustrated him. Don't worry, he used the green instead.

Joker: (face contorted in deep concentration) Oh no! A dead end! Go back! Ok…uh, lemme try this way…

Meanwhile Crane poked suspiciously at his food lest that woman put some sort of drug in his food so that she could somehow kidnap him. After examining the salad from each side, he finally decided it was safe. He took a bite and began to choke on it.

Joker: Quiet Crane! I just got through that stupid maze and now I'm trying to connect the dots!!

Crane: Salad…! (cough) BAD! (cough)

Joker: I have to do everything around here...

The Joker smacks Crane on the back, harder the necessary actually, and poor Jonathan coughs up a piece of paper. Shocked, Crane picks up the paper and sees a crudely drawn picture of him and that vile woman holding hands. Crane didn't take another bite of his food after that. Harvey was enjoying his ice cream too much to notice his friend choking. It was really good ice cream. Cookies and cream. YUM!!

Crane: Um thanks for that.

Joker: Aw man! Look what you did! Because I was too busy helping you I linked number ten to number fifteen! And I did it in crayon! I hate you. I'm going to cut you later.

Harvey: Hey man, don't ruin the mood. This ice cream is fuckin' orgasmic! Best. Ice cream. Ever. Honestly it's like ecstasy!

Joker: Really? Wanna share?

Harvey: No! This is MY sundae!

Joker: Come on, all I want is a little bite!

Harvey: Stay away! It's mine! Why the hell are you so happy to taking away all I care for, huh?! Are you going to take my ice cream away forever just like you did Rachel?!

Joker: Well now that you mention it…I'm kinda tempted to! Hahahahahahahaha!!

Joker pounced across the table trying to grab Harvey's sundae, but Harvey grabbed it away just in time. The Joker angrily lifted himself from the table, got up, and ran to Harvey's side of the table instead. And so the epic food battle of super villains ensued.

Joker: Harvey! Stop being selfish! I'm not going to give you that puppy now!

Harvey: Fuck off! This is MY sundae!

Harvey turns his back to the Joker to shield the precious ice cream. The Joker grabs Harvey by the shoulders and pulls him backwards. Harvey falls back, but just as he does, he throws the ice cream into the air. (For greater enjoyment, imagine this next scene in slow motion) Suddenly the ice cream went flying, floating through the air and both the Joker and Harvey looked on with their mouths agape. The sundae flipped and flipped and flipped, yet all eyes were still glued to this immaculate dish. The sundae was finally across the room and falling lower and lower. Harvey, with all the strength he could muster, raised himself from off the ground and raced towards the sundae hoping to catch it before it fell on the dirty floor. The sundae was almost to the ground as Harvey jumped and reached out his hand in one last desperate attempt.

_Plop_.

Harvey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Joker: Oh, well there's the end of that. See, look what you did! No ice cream for anyone now.

Harvey roared furiously and ran back to the table. He lifted the plate with the Joker's Joker pancakes on them and hurled them straight at him. Before the Joker had any time to react, the pancakes had already smacked him directly on the face.

Harvey: Take a good look at yourself Joker! Those pancakes are a good liking of you too!

Joker: You…you…

The Joker was lost for words as the syrupy pancakes slid down his face. Instead of trying to gather any more words, he grabbed Crane's uneaten salad and threw it at Harvey which hit him in the face.

Harvey: AUGHHH!!

Joker: See how _you_ like it!

So right about now the whole dining room begins to clear out. People were running scared that they may get caught in the vicious food fight. Having no food left on their table, Harvey begins to move to other tables. He grabs a plate of mashed potatoes and throws them with all his might. The Joker jumps out of the way and throws a giant piece of steak at Harvey which hits him in the chest.

Harvey: You can't win Joker! I'm not giving in!

Joker: Who said anything about winning or losing? This is all for sport! (throws another plate across the room which smashes against a table)

Harvey: This is my revenge for what you did to me!! Rargh! (throws a bowl of steaming hot soup which hits the Joker directly in the face)

Joker: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! The burning!! Soup is your revenge Harvey Dent?

Harvey: And this too!

Harvey jumps out of his hiding place, taking advantage of Joker's temporary blindness due to the hot soup, and runs at the Joker with a frying pan.

Harvey: Take this you fucked up clown!!

Harvey brings the pan down as hard as he can on the Joker's head and hits him over the head. And he hits him again. And again. And again until the Joker is rolling on the floor just laughing hysterically at the pain. Poor Dr. Crane just looks on, not at all amused by the antics of his two friends.

Crane: So much for trying to have a normal dinner.

But wait! Suddenly something strange happens! Harvey stops slamming the Joker's head with the pan. Both of them start moving with extreme difficulty and Harvey collapses on the floor and the Joker also remains there next to him, unmoving. Crane jumps up from his seat worried about the condition of his two friends until suddenly he starts feeling a bit woozy himself. The place starts spinning and before he slips into unconsciousness, he notices the glass of soda he had been drinking.

Crane: Shit, maybe I should have checked that for drugs too…

And with that, the great Jonathan Crane hit the floor.

The world slowly slips into view again for Harvey Dent and the Joker. They are back in their hotel room lying on the bed. Both of them moan and groan feeling extremely sick and nauseous. Also, the Joker was currently experiencing the headache from _HELL_.

Harvey: Hey…we're in out hotel room… What the fuckin' hell happened?

Joker: Oooooooohhh-augh, my head……Fuck, I think my head is about to implode.

Harvey: (getting up from the bed) Need aspirin? Maybe they have some in the mini fridge.

Joker: Aspirin? I'm gonna need something stronger. Maybe vicodin if it's available…or a shotgun to the head…

The Joker continues to roll around on the bed clutching his head in his hands. Harvey looks around the room. There was something wrong. Something was telling him that there was some sort of discrepancy. He scans the room trying to figure out what it is.

Harvey: There's something wrong here…

Joker: Yeah, I think my head is bleeding. That's not normal right? Hmm, I wonder how _that_ happened…Be a doll Harvey and soak a towel in cold water so I can put it on my head? Yes, yes? Good, thanks!

Harvey looked over at the Joker angrily but did not protest. He grabbed a green towel laying on one of the chairs and went into the bathroom to soak it. As he unfolded the towel, Harvey realized it was not a towel at all. It was a sweater vest! Gasp!

Harvey: (running back into the room in panic) SWEATER VEST! SWEATER VEST!!

Joker: Yeah? Just soak that. I'm not picky. It doesn't have to be a towel.

Harvey: NO! Jonathan is missing!!

!!DUN DUN DUN!!

* * *

Enjoyable? I sure hope so! You know...I really like reviews. Especially if they are positive reviews. (Hint, hint)


	4. The Recon Mission

Here we go again. Sorry peeps, didn't mean for you guys to wait THAT long for this new part. I got carried away once again. It's so hard to keep it short. So here we go again. Time to answer some, uh, unanswered questions. What are the Joker and Harvey planning this time? What happened to Crane? Will it rain tomorrow? Does Santa exist? All this and more...right after the disclaimer!

I don't know any of these fun-filled characters. Someone else does.

* * *

The Story So Far According to The Joker: One beautiful day I decided that I wanted to take a break from being a criminal mastermind so I took a vacation. And somewhere far away someone started to cry. The End. Harvey interrupts: THE END?! THE END OF WHAT?! Get on with the fuckin' story!

Harvey: I bet Crane was kidnapped by that crazy lady at the restaurant.

Joker: Kidnapped the Scarecrow? You can't kidnap a villain! Only villains are allowed to commit kidnappings! This goes against all the known rules of…VILLAINRY!

Harvey: Villainry?

Joker: Yes!! Villainry!!

Harvey: If you say so…But now what are we going to do about Crane?

Joker: You mean we have to _do_ something? He's a _villain_, he'll get away himself.

Harvey: No, this is Jonathan Crane we're talking about. The guy that was single-handedly taken down by my girlfriend with a tazer.

Joker: Oh…right.

Harvey: Alright so we need a plan. How will we go about this?

Joker: Harvey, Harvey! Haven't I taught you _anything_? What did I tell you about planning? It'll just mess you up! You want to lose the other side of your face too?

Harvey: No :'(

Joker: Okay then. Just follow me. Honestly, you have you do _everything_ yourself.

And so the Joker and Harvey step out of their room, determination burning in their eyes. Boy are they stoked about this one!! Mmyep!

Harvey: You know, we could easily go ask what room that woman is staying in, go there and just kill her.

Joker: Harvey, again. Haven't I taught you anything? That's just too easy! Where's the fun in that? Where's the excitement? This is a retrieval mission! See the way I see it is that this hotel has _nothing_ on us. We could very easily take over this place, so that is why we need to lower our crime methods to _their_ level. That way we at least give this place a _little_ chance and it makes it harder for us. We wouldn't want to make this too easy.

Harvey: So we're going to lower our standards to that of hotel security?

Joker: _Precisely_! Now you're catching on!

Harvey: I see…so where do we start?

The Joker peers around the empty hallway. Nothing. They walk further on until they reach the elevators.

Harvey: Alright. We should start here. We'll scout out each floor.

Joker: Elevator? Come on Harvey, using the elevator is just so _easy_. Let's take the _stairs_!

Harvey: …….You do realize this hotel has fifteen floors, right?

Joker: Does it? Good! That makes it tougher! That is exactly what we want.

Harvey scratches his head in confusion and stares strangely at the clown mastermind in front of him. He seems a bit crazier than usual today…Who the hell ever takes the stairs?! But they head over to the stairwell anyways. Starting at the bottom floor, they walked all the way up the fifteen flights of stairs. The Joker had been singing something the whole way up, laughing and giggling and being all, um, Joker-like. But Harvey was panting all the way up. All he wanted was a glass of water by the time they were at the top. Oh and also he was very annoyed by the Joker's singing the whole way up. The Joker is not a very good singer.

Harvey: (breathing heavily) Please…let's…stop…and rest...

Joker: Exhausted already, are you?

Harvey: Yes! Let's rest…

Joker: Well fine, it's not like we're in any sort of rush anyways.

Harvey was very glad about this and immediately collapsed. He sat there on the top step catching his breath because the Joker practically skipped up all of the steps. Actually just at that moment, the Joker began singing again and skipping and dancing and spinning and all those crazy antics that make already crazy people even crazier. Harvey groaned at the Joker's incessant singing and began to play with his lucky coin to ignore his insane partner. BUT! Just then, Harvey had barely caught his coin in midair when the Joker crashed into him because he was not paying attention to where he was spinning! Oh noes! And the coin went FLYING!

Harvey: MY COOOOIIIIIINNNNN!!

The coin bounced off the step, and bounced off the next step, and bounced off the next, and the next until it was rolling all the way down the flights of stairs. Harvey immediately jumped up and rushed after it. Can he get it in time?! CAN HE?! CAN HE?! Well, he probably could have, had not the Joker at that moment tripped over and started tumbling down the stairs too. He slammed into Harvey and down they went like a human snowball. Oooo! They rolled and rolled and rolled down some more because apparently their body builds combined makes for a good ball shape or something. Oh and the pain! Heads cracking on steps, limbs flying everywhere, and Harvey crying for his lucky coin! They finally slammed against the opposite wall and stopped. Harvey pulled himself free and frantically looked around for his coin.

Harvey: NO! MY LIFE! MY PURE REASON FOR LIVING!! CHANCE IS EVERYTHING!!

Joker: Auuuughhh…as if my head wasn't bad enough as it was. (rubbing head)

Harvey: I don't give a fuck about your head! Where the fuck is my coin?!

Joker: Aw, now that's just not nice.

Harvey turned around to the sound of a _**ding**_ and saw his precious coin come rolling down the steps. But it was rolling too fast and Harvey was not able to catch it. It slid right through his hands and bounced away right into a large pipe thing. Now it's gone.

Harvey: NOOOOOOOOO!! I need to go down there and get my coin back! What's this big opening here?

Joker: That would be the laundry shoot. Can't you just use any old coin? Here, I'll lend you a quarter.

Harvey: NO! I can't live without that coin and that coin only!! I'm going in!

Harvey lunges into the laundry shoot thing and disappears into the dark hole. The Joker stands there for a few seconds, giggling in a strange manner and observing the large opening. He looks to his right, he looks to his left. Nobody. Then he plunges in the large shoot. Down within the depths of the laundry room, Harvey was scuttling through the darkness, feeling around the floor for his coin. The Joker then came crashing down on the ground.

Joker: (Peering hard through the dark) This is unexciting. No one is in here. At least I thought we could scare a few hotel maids.

Harvey: I don't care about scaring anyone right now. Hell, I don't even care about Crane right now. I just want my coin!!

Joker: Really? Ah well _good_. So that means we can go back to our room once you find your coin.

Harvey: Don't just look around; HELP ME!

Joker: Do I _really_ look like the helpful type of guy?

Harvey: (pulls out his gun and points it at the Joker) Start searching.

Joker: Sigh, I don't like it that you are always pointing that thing at me. It seems you have lost the sense of hierarchy here. (Takes steps closer) I'm the clown prince of crime! And you're just a pawn. So put the gun down and get back in _line_.

Harvey: Shut up! You're the one at the disadvantage right now!

Joker: Really? _Am I_?

The Joker holds out his hands and there lying on his palm was a shiny silver coin; Harvey's lucky coin. Harvey immediately ran at Joker, determined to retrieve the coin back. Joker easily moves out of the way and laughs as he does so.

Joker: With that attitude you won't get your coin back.

Harvey: Give it to me.

Joker: The tension! You'll get your coin back when we get out of here. I have no need for it. I bet it won't even work in a vending machine. Open the door first.

Harvey goes to the door and tries to turn the doorknob. It didn't budge. Harvey starts getting a bit frantic. He really doesn't want to be stuck in a small, dark laundry room with someone he absolutely despised. He tries again. Nothing. Slowly, very very slowly, he turns around to look at the Joker. The Joker's smile suddenly turns upside down.

Joker: _Well_?!

Harvey: …………

Joker: Don't tell me…

The Joker rushes over to the door and tries opening it himself. At the failure of this, he slams against the door in attempt to break it down. The door doesn't budge.

Joker: Harvey-

Harvey: I, uh-

Joker: you-

Harvey: I didn't-

Joker: are-

Harvey: I wasn't-

Joker: going-

Harvey: I swear-

Joker: to-

Harvey: How was-

Joker: _DIE_!!

Harvey: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE DOOR WOULD BE LOCKED?!

Joker: This is not my idea of _fun_.

Harvey: And it's mine? I'm locked in with a psychotic clown!

Joker: And you're not getting your coin back until you find a way out of this place.

Harvey: It wasn't my fault! I just came for my coin! I didn't ask you to follow me!

Joker: Harvey, I'm getting im_patient_. Find a way out of here before I decide to melt this coin.

Harvey could have easily taken the Joker out at his moment, what with Harvey being armed with a gun and the Joker only wielding a knife. But Harvey didn't. It wouldn't do any better to be locked in with a dead body anyways. Besides, he was too worried about how the hell they were going to get out to fret over his coin. But luck strikes! Harvey notices a tiny beam of light escaping a small spot behind a cabinet.

Harvey: Ah-ha! There! (runs over to the cabinet and pushes it aside) Here! I found a window!

Joker: (walks over to the window) Yeah but it's a long way down. (turns around and sees Harvey tying sheets together) What do you think you're doing?

Harvey: I found the way out. If you don't like it…stay. Actually I encourage you to stay here. That way you can't ruin my life anymore.

Joker: You're going to climb down with a rope of sheets? Harvey, that's the craziest plan I've heard yet…and I like it!

So they both help to tie sheet after sheet to each other, creating a rope long enough to reach the ground. After a bit, they open the window and look down. 'Tis ready!!

Harvey: Tie the end of the rope to something sturdy. I'll drop the rope from here.

And so the plan continues and as Harvey drops down the rope and everything is set! Now…to see who goes first. Will Harvey go first…wait, no. He's not budging. Maybe the Joker? Nope. He's not moving either.

Joker: _Well_?

Harvey: Well, what?! Go!

Joker: (motioning with hand towards rope) After you.

Harvey: You know, for once I sorta feel like being the nice guy. How about you go first?

Joker: No, really. I insist _you_ go first.

Harvey: Well I insist _you_ go first.

Joker: That's so nice of you Harvey, but really, you should go first.

Harvey: (shaking head) Actually, why don't _you_ go.

Joker: Noooo…I have this thing against going first. You see-

Harvey: GAH! This is ridiculous! I'm not going to passively argue about this!

Joker: Does that mean you agree to go first?

Harvey: Who said anything about me agreeing to go first? We'll flip.

Joker: (grumbles and takes out Harvey's coin) Fine.

Harvey: Heads you go first, tails I go first.

Joker: You're going to lose.

Harvey: Against my own coin? It's _my_ lucky coin!

And _**flip**_ goes the coin! One minute later…

Harvey: (lowering himself down the rope first) I hate you…

Joker: (following down after Harvey) That's very rude, Harvey. Just enjoy the sight from up here. Look! You can see the pool area from up here!

Harvey: You can also see a nice picket fence at the bottom that would impale us if we fell.

Joker: You what your problem is? You're a pessimist.

Harvey: You know what your problem is? You're a homicidal, psychotic, sadist clown that thinks life is just a game.

Joker: Spot on Harvey. Spot on.

So they slowly and very cautiously lower themselves down and down. Although the Joker had almost let go because he went into a maniacal laughter fit when some lady opened her curtain only to see a freaky clown hanging outside her window. She screamed and tripped over a chair as she tried to run from the window. Geez, wouldn't you react the same way? Who the hell ever expects to see the Joker climbing outside their window? I wouldn't…But that's irrelevant. What _isn't_ irrelevant is that they had reached one open window and who should they see in through the glass? None other than their friend Doctor Jonathan Crane!! Currently he was tied to a chair and had his back turned to the window.

Harvey: (calling up to the Joker) Hey Joker! I found Crane! I found Crane!

Joker: Really? Well good! Tell him to let us in. My arms are aching.

Harvey: Er, I don't think he's in situation to let us in right now.

Joker: Well we're in no situation to save him either soooooo…

Harvey: (knocking on the window) Jonathan! Jonathan! Hello?

Jonathan, who was not enjoying the greatest vacation tied to a chair, perked his head up to the sound of the knocking. He turned around to see Harvey at the window. His eyes beamed at the sight of his fellow villain-friend. Then his eyes narrowed in confusion as he wondered what the hell Harvey was doing outside the window. It was all very strange.

Harvey: Jonathan! Tell me you're alright!

Jonathan shook his head to indicate to Harvey he could not hear him.

Harvey: (speaking louder) Just wait there!! We're coming to save you!! Joker, we should hurry.

Joker: Yes, I fully agree with that idea. You know why?

There was an abrupt drop from the rope. The Joker and Harvey both felt the rope's knots loosen.

Harvey: Oh no…does it have anything to do with that?

Joker: Yes it does. I think this rope is about to-

Another sudden tug.

Joker: -give way.

Harvey: What did you tie the end to?

Joker: I tied it to the cabinet that was in there.

Harvey: The one I moved?! I told you to tie it to something STURDY!!

Joker: _Don't_ argue with my _methods_!

Harvey: Your _methods_ are about to get us killed!

The rope gave way further so that Harvey fell past Crane's window and now the Joker was looking side.

Joker: It's Doctor Crane! Hey Jonathan! Can you hear me?

Crane: (yelling from inside) Don't leave me! Don't leave me! Don't leave me!

Joker: I'd love to hang around and chat but-

And with that quick preposition, the makeshift rope tore and before Crane's eyes, the Joker disappeared.

Crane: (in a feeble voice) help…

The Joker went down laughing and Harvey went down screaming a certain number of obscenities, either of which would have made a poor choice of last words. So lucky for them they barely missed falling on the fence and fell into the bushes instead. Joker was still giggling as he rolled off the hedge (actually off of Harvey because the Joker fell on him). Harvey moaned in pain and continued to whisper obscenities to himself.

Joker: See! We're just fine…(putting hand to head)…for the most part.

This was followed by a _**ding**_ sound, and Harvey looked over to see his most precious coin laying there on the ground.

Harvey: My coin! (grabs his coin and begins to stroke it lovingly) I'll never let you out of my sight ever again.

Joker: Ahem, excuse me for interrupting this nice reunion but we should-

But once again fate interrupts the Joker in mid-sentence (it does that a lot) as up ahead approached two guards who had seen what had happened. They were not so happy, you know. I guess scaffolding the hotel windows is against the rules.

Guard 1: Hey! You two! What do you think you're doing?

Guard 2: Do not attempt to resist and we will only cause minor damage to you.

Both the Joker and Harvey did not phase at this threat. Villains are used to this sort of stuff. The Joker looked over at Harvey and Harvey did the same. With a nod, the Joker stepped back and Harvey approached them.

Harvey: Look gentlemen, you probably don't know we are, but that's alright. We'll let you two off on a warning this time. Just leave us be and we won't kill you.

Guard 1: Shut up you deformed freak.

Oh noes!! No one makes fun of poor, deformed Harvey!!

Harvey: (twitch) …_what_?

Guard: Yeah, you heard me.

Harvey: I warned you and now-

Harvey reached for his gun. There was nothing here. Oh crap…

Harvey: and now-and now-

Joker: (whispering to Harvey) Stop stalling Harv.

Harvey: (whispering back) It seems…heh…it seems my gun has disappeared.

The Joker lifted his hands up in exasperation. See, he didn't really feel like dealing with anyone at the moment. It had been a long day already and after falling from up high; people usually are not up to dealing with others. It's annoying.

Joker: (to guards) Look, how about we come to an agreement. I don't carve up your faces and you let us be. All we want to is _relax_, mmkay? Does that _work_ for you?

Guard 2: I'm gonna break your neck, you fuckin' mime.

Joker: (sighs impatiently) Okay, for one thing, I'm a _joker_. _The Joker_. Don't even call me a clown, that's not the same thing. And I'm not a mime either. Mimes aren't allowed to speak and I am obviously talking to you right now. See the _difference_? Oh and that whole macho guise you're trying to pull off? Not working. So why don't you and your friend leave before I decide to do something _drastic_.

Guard 2: Alright you just wait right there clown as I mess up the other side of this guy's face.

Joker: OH reeeeally. Well in that case…

And so as quick as a schizophrenic squirrel, the Joker pushed Harvey into the two guards and began to run, laughing as he did so. Harvey stumbled over, but quickly regained himself and began to run as well. What the hell? The two guards followed pursuit. The Joker threw the door open and rushed inside the hotel. Harvey kept at a close distance behind.

Joker: AHAHAHA!! (Stops so suddenly that Harvey bumps into him) Actually you know we should really stop this. It's very childish. But…FUN!

The Joker continues running once more, Harvey at his tail, and the guards close behind.

Harvey: What the fuck?! Why are we running? Joker!!

Joker: It's much more exciting this way! You never want to make things too easy! Where's the fun in that?

Harvey: But…but…dammit!

And so came the part where the Joker jumped right on top of one of the tables and began kicking aside all of the vases and smashing all he could…you know, because he can. Harvey continued to yell about something dealing with something. The Joker really didn't care. He was having too much fun causing havoc in the lobby. The guards neared him and the Joker instantly gave each of them a good kick to the face. He jumped back off the table and, noticing that one of the elevator doors had just opened, instantly ran towards it. Harvey rushed along into the elevator with him. The door closed.

Joker: See! Wasn't that fun?

Harvey: What was that?!

Joker: Why so serious, Harvey?

Harvey: Look, now everyone's gonna know we are here and we're going to get kicked out! This is unbelievable!

Joker: You know what else is unbelievable? The fact that-

_**DING**_! The elevator door opens!

(Joker: Stop interrupting meeeeeeeeee!!)

The Joker and Harvey both turn and see none other than their good friend Doctor Jonathan Crane standing there. Ohhhhh he no look happy right now.

Harvey/Joker: JONATHAN!!

Joker: You're not dead!

Harvey: Man, are you alright? We were trying to rescue, but things just happened, you know?

Crane: I'm just fine.

Joker: What happened? That crazy waitress lady kidnapped you, didn't she?

Crane: Yes she did. But I was able to escape.

Joker: Oh oh! (begins giggling like a school girl) You have to tell us all the juicy details! What happened _exactly_?

Crane: Nothing.

Joker: …_Nothing_? You had this girl, well actually she had you, and you didn't take advantage of this chance?! How did you mess this up?!

Harvey: I bet I know how. You began psychoanalyzing her, didn't you?

The Joker drops his mouth and stares wide-eyed at Crane.

Joker: You didn't…

Crane: What's wrong with that? I was helping her! We had a nice, long discussion about her personal life and I made her realize that she was lost and at a dead-end in her life. Then we had a talk about what she fears most about living.

Joker: You are unbelievable.

Harvey: Question. Why did we wake up randomly in our rooms?

Crane: She drugged you guys.

Harvey: Well that explains it…

Crane: Oh and she spit in your Fanta, Joker.

Joker: That bitch!! Let's go kill her!

Harvey: Yes! Payback for what she did!!

Crane: Oh there's no need for that.

Joker: You killed her?

Crane: No, she committed suicide. Drowned herself in the bathtub she did.

Joker/Harvey: WHAT?!

Crane: (shrugs) I told you, I made her realize how horrible her life is. So she killed herself. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go take a long, relaxing bubble bath.

Crane cuts between them, and nonchalantly exits out the elevator to their room. The Joker begins to laugh hysterically at the whole story and Harvey merely stares in amusement.

Harvey: I told you he would mess this up.

* * *

Phoosh! Another one in the can. I'm such a sucker for chase scenes.

To Be Continued...


	5. The Sleepover

Yep. I'm still continuing this. I am quite surprised in myself. Maybe for once I will actually finished what I started. Keep your fingers crossed people! points gun I SAID keep your fingers crossed! :(

Disclaimer: The Joker, Jonathan Crane (Scarecrow), and Harvey Dent (Two-Face) do not belong to me.

* * *

The Story So Far According to Jonathan Crane: Been here not even one full day yet and I already used my fear toxin in self defense, stood through an epic food fight, got drugged, watched Harvey and the Joker scale a building, and psychoanalyzed a girl to death. I could have gotten a better vacation just committing myself to Arkham for a week or two. At least there the Joker would have nothing sharp to threaten me with.

Currently we find Gotham's favorite villain trio inside their hotel room. The stunning Doctor Jonathan Crane was relaxing in a nice, warm bubble bath. Ahhhh…just imagine….Oh um, right. In the meantime the Joker and Harvey were sitting in the room watching a movie on tv. It was the Wizard of Oz. After a couple of minutes of intent watching, the Joker interrupted.

Joker: (turning to Harvey) Let's build a fort.

Harvey: Shhh…this is the part where the flying monkeys first appear…WHOO LOOK AT THEM GO!

Joker: No, I want to build a fort.

Harvey: But…but I want to watch the movie.

Joker: Orrrr…do you want to build a fort? _Hmm_? Something to consider…

Harvey: Weeellll, when you put it that way…Ah! (pulls out coin) Heads we build the fort, tails we keep watching the movie.

So _**ding**_ goes the coin and…

Crane had finished blow-drying his hair in the bathroom. And yes, blowing-drying. Just look at the guy! He obviously does his hair! A doctor _has_ to look good. Well he finished with that and stepped out into the room.

Crane: Holy- (stops abruptly as to not fall on the suspended bedsheets) What the fuck did you two do to the room?

Crane looked around the room. The place looked like a white palace with the colorless bedsheets adorning the whole room. They were each suspended in numerous ways. The chairs and mattress had also been moved around to accommodate. All-in-all, it was a pretty neat fort.

Crane: Joker? Harvey? Are you two in there?

Joker: (pops his head out from under the covers) No, this is The Hoodwinker and Triple-Face. We have killed your friends and taken over your room.

Crane: I sense sarcasm.

Joker: I sense that you are about to get angry.

Crane: Why would I get-

Crane pauses and hears the television. Oh gawd…No…not _that_ movie! Anything but that!! The Wizard of Oz! Crane grits his teeth as he begins to hear Dorothy and his happy-go-lucky companions sing "We're off to see the Wizard! The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!" The Joker's premonition was correct after all.

Crane: You're watching the Wizard of Oz?! I know you put that movie on to spite me!

Harvey: (Speaking from somewhere hidden under the blankets) Actually I put it on because I like that movie.

Crane: (angry twitch)

Harvey: It's a classic!

Joker: Go on Scarecrow! Say you're line! _If_ I only had a…

Angry rant time!

Crane: I am so sick sick _sick_ of being compared to that brainless straw man! I am the Master of Fear! I bring nightmares into the world and use my amazing psychoanalyzing skills to break people apart! I poison the minds of the weak and listen to people scream my name in fright! I _do not _skip and sing and dance down a yellow brick road with friends! I do not spend my time running away from flying monkeys and an evil witch! I'm not the Scarecrow. I'm _The Scarecrow_!! See the difference?! Next person who compares me to that dancing twit gets a full canister of fear to the face!!

Joker: Sooooooo?

Crane: SO _WHAT_?!

Joker: So you didn't finish the line I said. If I only had a…

Crane: That's it! You're first clown!

Joker: Mind the fort please! Harvey and me worked oh so hard on it.

Crane kneels down to get through the small opening of the blanket fort. The inside was put together more nicely than he thought. The Joker and Harvey took that moment to slip out of the blankets. They could see Crane crawling through the folds.

Joker: Incredible fort, huh? I'm a master at these things. Well…on top of being an agent of chaos.

Crane: You're an agent of annoyance too.

Joker: Don't be so irritable, Crane. That's just not nice. If you keep being mean, I'll have to hurt you.

Crane: Will you quit it with the threats? And where the hell are you?!

Harvey: (turning of the volume on the television) Shh! I'm still trying to watch the movie!

Joker: Yeah watch the movie with us. You don't want to miss the part where they finally see the Wizard and poor Scarecrow is denied a brain. Hey, he really _is_ like you. Both of you could do with a new brain. AHAHAHA!!

Crane: I'm not like that damn scarecrow! I hate you Joker, you know that? If I was still working at Arkham, I would have made sure they locked you away forever. No chance of escape for you.

Joker: Oh _really_? Try escaping from this!

The Joker gave a strong tug on one of the blankets and suddenly the whole fort came on…unfortunately on Crane that is. Believe me; being trapped under a giant pile of blankets and pillows is not very fun either. It also makes it very hard to breathe. And poor Crane was realizing this now, being trapped under there and all. He began to yell from under the covers but his cries were muffled. The Joker went on.

Joker: (talking loudly to the giant pile of sheets) See? Look what you made me do. Now my fort is ruined and it is all thanks to the fact that you don't know when to shut up. Sometimes hiding your smug little self and keeping quiet are smarter things to do. See, this is me teaching you that being arrogant is not always going to work. Sometimes it will-(unexpectedly thrown off his feet)

Crane: AH-HAH!

Crane had wrestled through the sheets and poked his head and arms out from under the mountain of blankets. He grasped the Joker's ankle and threw him off his feet. The Joker feel with a resounding thud and Crane took that momentary opportunity to wretch himself free. The Joker grabbed a nearby pillow that lay there and Crane did the same.

Joker: (standing up) Ohhhh you don't like to go down without a fight, now do you.

Crane: Well losing to someone like you would definitely hurt my ego.

Harvey: What part of "shh" don't you guys understand?! I'm trying to watch a movie here!

Joker: (swings his pillow and hits Crane) Yeah stop being so obnoxious Crane!

Crane: (swinging back at the Joker) He was talking to you!

Joker: (dodges Crane's pillow) Nu-uh!

Crane: (jumps up on a chair and swings at the Joker again) Freak!

Joker: (jumps on the other chair) Strawman!

Crane: (swings at Joker and hits him) Cross-dresser!

Joker: (swings at Crane and hits him) No-brain!

Crane: (jumps onto bed) Make-up wearer!

Joker: (jumps on bed after Crane) Sweater-vest wearer!!

Crane: (swings pillow again) Well…YOUR JOKES AREN'T FUNNY!!

GASP!! Everyone stops. A pause of dramatic silence. Ohhhh Crane did _not_ just say that!

Joker: (stops…anger level rising...and then begins flailing his pillow at Crane viciously) AT LEAST I WASN'T CAUGHT BY POLICE DANGLING FROM A CRAZED HORSE HALF-CONSCIOUS LIKE SOME IDIOT!!

Seriously, what the hell? That was the absolute worst way to get rid of the Scarecrow. Carried off by a horse into the insane night? Just think about what happened after. The police go and chase this crazy horse running around town carrying delirious Jonathan Crane on its back? What the hell? Worst. Villain. Defeat. Ever.

Crane: I thought we came to a resolution that we would never talk about that ever again :(

Harvey: Oh will you two SHUT UP!

Harvey takes out his gun and pulls the trigger. Suddenly the lamp on the table shattered and both Joker and Crane were immediately silenced.

Harvey: I promise my next shot will be more direct if you two don't shut up. Now let's all sit here and enjoy the rest of this great quality classic.

The Joker and Crane reluctantly sit down and watch the rest of the Wizard of Oz with Harvey. The remainder of the movie passed with no harm being done or weapons being pulled out, well except there were still some Scarecrow jokes. Poor Crane. Always the point of ridicule he is. It was very late at night by the time the movie ended so they decided it was time for sleep. Villains sleep too, you know. Then all three heads turn to the bed…that is, the single bed in the room. They sit in the silent tension for a moment.

Joker: So…

Harvey: Yeah…

Crane: Hmm…

Harvey: I think that-

Joker: You think that you can get the bed, _huh huh huh_?

Harvey: I wasn't going to-

Joker: Yes you were! Who said _you_ deserve the bed?

Harvey: Well I am the one with the depression problem so I think it is only _fair_.

Crane: Hey, but I put up with shit from both of you today and I need to relax. I deserve the bed.

Joker: I don't deserve it. I just want it!!

And so they all look at each other in suspicion and hostility. The Joker had his hand in his pocket ready to wield his knife, Harvey had his hand on his gun ready to shoot, and Crane has his hand on his fear toxin ready to, uh, press the little button thingy…or however it works so that it comes out. The tension! Something very bad was definitely about to happen. Something along the lines of a grand battle of three evil masterminds and all of Gotham would be their battlefield. Yessss, death and destruction befalling the city all for the chance to sleep on the bed. Evil bastards. Harvey requested a solution.

Harvey: Let's flip for it.

Joker: You do realize there are three of us.

Harvey: Oh right…Rock, paper, scissors?

Another moment of silent anxiety. They thought.

Joker: Sigh, fine. Winner takes bed.

Whoo! Crisis averted! They all release their weapons and come together.

Joker/Crane/Harvey: Rock. Paper. Scissors.

The results: Crane has paper, Harvey has rock, and Joker has scissors. Uh oh…

Joker: Ah-hah! Take that Crane's paper!

Crane: Wait, wait! I destroyed Harvey's rock.

Harvey: No! I killed the Joker's scissors.

Silence. Okay maybe this did not work out like they thought it would.

Crane: Great…just…great.

Joker: (suddenly hit with an idea) Ohhhhhh…hehehehe…

Harvey: What now?

Joker: I have the perfect idea to figure out who sleeps on the bed. I say the best villain should take the bed.

Crane: Well that one is easy. Obviously I am the greatest criminal mastermind here. I have a college degree!

Joker: You were brought down my a tazer to the face!

Crane: Hey…that hurt…

Joker: So it's settled! I'm the best villain from all of us!

Crane: Wait wait. I drove all of Gotham _MAD_!

Harvey: …what about me?

Crane/Joker: SHUT UP!

Harvey: :'(

So after a couple minutes of arguing and a whole discussion about why Harvey is considered a villain when in fact he didn't really do _anything_ that would establish him as a villain, they allow the Joker to take the bed. Harvey was allowed the closet and Crane was left to sleep in the bathtub.

Crane: Oh joy……

And so the night wore on. Owls were hooting in the tall trees, old men were snoring all warm in their beds, drunks were singing loudly in the lonely streets and three masterminds were lying in their beds…or something that could constitute as a bed. Yes, for once it was a peaceful night in Gotham. Harvey was snugly curled up inside the closet. And for once, his dreams were happy ones.

Rachel: Harveyyyyy!!

Harvey: Rachellllllllll!!

They both ran towards each other, across the sparkling meadow, across their separate worlds, and across everything that ever kept them apart. They ran in slow motion, their feet lightly trampling the sweet flowers, and they were ready to enter each other's loving embrace.

Rachel: Harveyyyy!!

Harvey: Rachelllll!! I missed you! I missed you so much! But don't worry I'm coming!

And so Harvey tried to run faster. He did not want this beautiful dream to end. All he wanted was to be reunited with his one true love once more.

Harvey: I'm almost there Rachel! Soon we will be together again and I'll make sure I'll never let you go! Never ever _ever_!

Rachel: Harveyyyyyy!!

Harvey was almost there…just a little bit closer and he would be with his lover again…so close…

Harvey: You don't know how much I missed you! Let's live together in creepy eternity and never leave! I'll quit my job as criminal mastermind and we'll retire in a small, comfy cottage by the ocean! Then we'll start that garden you said you always wanted!

Rachel: Harveyyyyyyy!!

Oh _so close_! Harvey was almost across the fairytale meadow when something began to happen…something…horrible. Rachel's face became distorted in the sunshine. Harvey couldn't see her face anymore!

Harvey: Rachel? Rachel, are you alright?

Rachel: Harveyyyyy!!

Harvey: Hold on Rachel! I'm almost there! I promise I'll save you this time! I won't them take you away from me!!

Harvey was sprinting now. Rushing across with his hands still held out to Rachel. Her face still seemed blanked out, but he didn't care. He was almost there! He could now see her more plainly and her face was coming into view…although it looked a little different from how he remembered it.

Harvey: Rachel?

He didn't remember her face being so particularly pale... But it was still blurred. Maybe if he went a little closer…

Rachel: Harveyyyyyy!!

Harvey: Rachel! Rachel, I love you! I love you so much! I'm almost there…I'm almost…

His fingertips were now to hers. He stopped right in front of her. Her head was bowed and her flowing brown hair disguised her face. Harvey put his hand to her chain.

Harvey: Rachel…I love you. Will you marry me?

Harvey lifted her face to his but…Oh no…Oh Gawd NO! The white face, the red scars, the charcoal eyes...The Joker.

Weird Joker/Rachel malformation: (in Joker's voice) Yes, Harvey, Oh yes…

Harvey: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

POOF! Back to Reality!!

Harvey: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! RACHEL! RACHEL! RACHELLLLL!!

The Joker had Harvey by the shoulders and was shaking him uncontrollably.

Joker: Harveyyyyy!!

Harvey continued to scream and scream. The Joker smacked him right across the face as hard as he could and Harvey's head slammed against the side of the closet. He stopped yelling.

Harvey: Oww!! What the…(realizing that it was all just a dream…well, more like a nightmare)

Joker: Honestly, are you _always_ thinking about that girl? She's dead! And she's been dead! It's about time you move on.

Harvey: (forcefully grabs the Joker by the collar) You!

Joker: Yes, _me_!

Harvey: You ruined a perfectly good dream!

Joker: Lemme guess; you were running through a beautiful, picture perfect meadow and were about to be reunited with your snuggle-buns?

Harvey pauses for a second and then releases the Joker.

Harvey: What are you doing in my bed, erm, closet?

Joker: I was _bored_! And I'm lonely!

Harvey: What-what time is it?

Joker: About four in the morning.

Harvey: (lets out gasp of exasperation) Go to sleep clown. And get out of my closet! Go enjoy your comfy bed.

Joker: But I don't want to! I want to go have fun! Isn't this just a great night to go terrorize the innocent?

Harvey: No. Get out.

Joker: Fine, fine. So you're not into terrorizing the innocent. How about…

Harvey: I don't feel like terrorizing anyone. You know what I feel like doing? I feel like _sleeping_. So get-

Joker: How about terrorizing Crane?

Harvey: …Crane you say? Hmmmm…

It had taken a while for Jonathan to fall asleep. Bathtubs were definitely not the most comfortable place to sleep, especially with no pillows or blankets. The Joker did not want to part any of his. Crane had tossed and turned for most of the night, but he eventually found a comfortable enough position and curled up into a ball. A cute, little Jonathan Crane ball. With that, he was lifted away into sweet dreams.

Crane: Clinical psychology concerns the understanding and treatment of mental health disorders, such as anxiety, phobias, or depression; but of course, _I_ myself specialize in phobia. Fear. Phobias turn the simple pleasures of life into true nightmares. And it is my work to harness that power. My colleagues do not understand the importance of studying fear. Imagine curing the world of all fear! It would be a golden age for society! All the same, imagine what you could do if you could _inflict _fear. Who would even dare to trouble me if they knew I had such power! I wouldn't be stuffed in lockers! I wouldn't get beaten up by those blasted bullies from school! I wouldn't get my head flushed in the toilet! I WOULD BE INVINCIBLE!! Do you even _understand _what I am trying to portray?!

Dorothy: Scarecrow...are you feeling alright?

Crane: Wait...what the-

Crane looks around at where he is. A blonde-haired girl holding a little gray dog? A smiling tin man? A Cowardly lion? A yellow brick road under him? Crane's face become sullen.

Dorothy: You've been going on about fear or something of the sort. Oh, don't scare me this way! Please Scarecrow, tell me you are feeling okay.

Crane: (eyes growing wide) AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Jonathan begins running around in circles screeching something about not being the Scarecrow. He stops for a moment to catch his breathe. And then he continued merely screeching nonsense.

Dorothy: Oh, whatever shall I do to help?

Crane: THIS IS INSANITY! SCARECROW SCARECROW SCARECROW SCARECROW! You will all fear the wrath of the Scarecrow!

Dorophy: Oh dear! Scarecrow! Watch out! (she points above Crane)

Crane stops and looks up at where Dorothy had pointed. The last thing that Crane saw in that awful nightmare of his was the sight of water just to fall on him. Oh and the water was extremely cold.

POOF! Back to Reality! Again!

Crane: AUGHHHHHHHH!!

The cold water faucet had been turned on and the water splashed all over Jonathan's face. He continued to yell through the waterfall of water. Crane sat up with a start and crawled out of the bathtub unsure of what was even going on. The Joker and Harvey were standing over him laughing their heads off.

Crane: (breathing heavily) I...hate..._both_...of you.

Harvey: (still laughing) I swear it was all the Joker's idea.

Crane: (narrowing his eyes at the Joker) Of coursssse it was.

Joker: Haahaahaaheeheehee...okay in all honesty Jonathan. It was nothing personal.

Crane: (still eying the Joker furiously)

Joker: Although, it was pretty funny to listen to you mumble Scarecrow over and over in your sleep.

Crane: I was having a bad dream...

Joker: About what? Were the bullies flushing your head down a toilet or were they stuffing you in a locker? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Crane jumps up ready to kill the Joker. Both Harvey and the Joker rushed out of the room laughing. What a long night this was going to be...

* * *

Yes! Another chapter in! Hope you enjoyed it. I just love tormenting Jonathan :) And thanks to everyone who has thus reviewed my story. It keeps me going. So review this and let me know if you want more! Next Chapter: Magic Show! (Remember those free tickets? :D)


	6. The Plan

Wow. I haven't updated this in 2 years. It really hasn't felt like that long. I am sure you have all been sitting there waiting, constantly pressing refresh in hopes that this life changing next chapter will be posted. Sooooo if your eyes are still functional and haven't fallen out yet, then I have for you the next installment of this oh-so-amazingly-uber-awesome masterpiece! So without further adieu...

* * *

The Story So Far According To The Joker: There's not enough love in this world for the Joker anymore. There aren't enough rubber chickens out there either. What ever happened to a rubber chicken in every pot, hm? The only thing in my pot is a severed hand and I had to go out of my way to put that there! (Hey Joker! You're supposed to be giving a summary of the past chapter!) Er, what? Oh yes yes. So there I was the rubber chicken in my hand and I thought to myself 'Would this be an effective tool to beat someone over the head with?' Then I realized 'You never know until you tryyyy!' (Ugh, nevermind)

The Joker stalked quietly through the empty hallway dramatically on his tip-toes. It was all pretty overdone since there was really no reason to be creeping around anyways. There was nobody around besides Harvey and Crane who were both hiding behind a sofa (not that it hid either of them very well). The Joker ordered them to stand there on guard. They had no idea what the Joker was planning, but whatever it was, it couldn't be good.

Crane: Okay, I woke up at seven in the morning after only getting two hours of sleep for this? Joker, I think I have a right to know what you're planning after last night's unpleasant prank.

Joker: Shh…be very very quiet. Use the alias names I told you to use. I'm Squeaky, you're Inky, and Harvey is well-done. HAHA!

Harvey: Quit making fun of my face :(

Crane: What does it matter? The name 'The Joker' is an alias in itself. What does it matter what I call you?

Joker: (stops his sneaking and turns back to Crane with a serious face) How would _you_ like it if I walked around proclaiming your name to everyone, _hmm_? Hey look everyone! It's Jonathan Crane! Isn't that the nut that used to work at Arkham and also poisoned a part of Gotham?

Crane: Fine. I get it. Forget I said anything. Continue your snooping around…or whatever it is you are up to.

Joker: I will! Stand guard and remain _in-con-spicuous_.

The Joker turns towards the hallway once more tip-toes cautiously down.

Crane: Harvey, why are we still following this freak around?

Crane turns around and sees Harvey is not there.

Crane: Harvey? Where'd you go?

Hmm, strange. Where _could_ a depressed malformed man go? Actually for that brief moment Harvey actually wasn't unhappy! Nope. Harvey was standing in front of a nearby vending machine, his eyes gleaming over all the amazing sweets safely nestled within the metal frame. Mmmm…Reese's Pieces.

Crane: Harvey! What are you doing?

Harvey: Crane! Quick! I'm a quarter short.

Crane: (checks pockets) Well it seems I have no change on me.

Harvey: But…but…(begins to weep) AUGH! WHY IS THE WORLD PUNISHING ME! All I want is Reese's Pieces and I can't even have that!

Uh oh, spoke too soon. It seems he has resorted back to emo angst.

Harvey: (pulls out his gun and puts it to his temple) Goodbye cruel world…

Crane: WHOA HARVEY! Calm down! We'll find you a quarter! We can ask around and…HARVEY PUT THE GUN DOWN!

Harvey slowly lowers the gun.

Harvey: (sniff) You-you mean it?

Crane: Yes, yes. How hard can it be to find a quarter? Now quit being such a drama queen.

So Crane and Harvey ventured off. Crane insisted on just using Harvey's lucky coin. Harvey reacted to this proposition by immediately slamming Crane's head forcefully into the wall. Never ever would Crane remark on Harvey's coin again. Meanwhile, the Joker was having the time of his life sneaking about. What exactly was he sneaking around for? WHAT I ASK YOU? Wait…I'm the only who can answer that. At that moment a man entered wearing a magician's top hat and carrying a black bag. A _magical_ black bag.

Joker: (walks up to the magician) Hel_lo_.

Magician: (startled) Who are you?

Joker: I'm the Joker!

(Insert gruesome murder scene here.)

Back with our two other villains, little progress had been made. Ten people asked and no one was willing to give up a quarter. Geez man. This is why the people of Gotham deserve cruel, cruel deaths. But it might have also been due to the fact that everyone practically ran screaming when they saw the two villains come towards them.

Harvey: Why is this world so unfair to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?

Crane: Well, you _did_ kill some people. That must account for something.

Harvey: But it's not fair! Nothing in this world is fair! (eyes the vending machine angrily) You're the thing standing between me and true happiness! _You_!

Harvey runs at the vending machine and begins to kick it repeatedly.

Harvey: STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID MACHINE!

Crane: Hm, it seems you've resorted to violence against inanimate objects. Sad.

Harvey then pulls out his gun and points it directly at the vending machine. He then takes out his coin.

Harvey: Okay vending machine, heads you live. Tails, you die!

_FLIP_! It spins in the air and it lands.

Harvey: HAH! Tails! See you in hell vending machine.

But just as Harvey is about to press the trigger, Crane yells at him to stop. Oh? What has made Crane intervene at such a pinnacle moment?

Crane: There's a quarter on the floor right next to the vending machine!

Harvey: Gasp! (picks up the quarter) Eureka! Maybe my luck is finally beginning to turn.

Crane: (grumbling angrily) You don't deserve that quarter, especially after slamming my head into that wall.

Harvey puts the money into the vending machine and pushes the button for the candy.

Harvey: Relax, everything is fine now. Everything is finally- NOOOO!

And as quickly as Harvey's luck had changed, it turned once more. The candy got stuck! Oh noes! Oh woe! I never trusted vending machines myself. Half the time the snacks just get stuck. Defective technology! And so Harvey raised his gun in pure fury.

Harvey: Go to hell vending machine!

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Crane: Harvey, you're _insane_!

Harvey: Damn straight.

The glass of the vending machine shattered and all the delicious sweets fell to the floor. FREE CANDY!

Harvey: Candy! (gathers as many snacks as he can into his arms) Precious, precious snacks. Nothing will take me away from you. You're all I have now…

Crane: There, you have your foul snacks! We have to go before security gets here to investigate those gunshots.

Harvey: Fuck you Crane! You think you have it so _great_! You think you're sooo amazing because you wear a stupid sweater vest and glasses! You think you're so smart! Well I hope you choke on your damn complacency! You're not better than me!

Crane: I didn't say-

Harvey: _No_! Don't try playing your mind games on me! I know what you're up to!

Crane: _Harvey_-

Harvey: I may not have created some crazy airborne weapon like you but I have a gun and that's all I need to commit crime! (Stuffing candy into his mouth) LEAVE ME BE!

Crane: Harvey I wasn't attacking you. I just said let's _go_!

Joker: (appearing from seemingly nowhere) Is this what you call being _inconspicuous_?

Crane: It's not me. Mister Harvey 'the world hates me' Dent is the one making a scene.

Harvey: (Still eating his candy) Fuck you.

Joker: Well I came because it seems my supposed _guards_ have abandoned their _post_.

Crane: Look Joker, I don't know what it is you are up to but…hey where did you get that black bag?

Joker: Glad you asked! This here is part of my new scheme!

Crane: Scheme? What are you planning?

Joker: How should I know? I just took this! I just do things as they come along. And you two are going to help me. (pulls out the free magic show tickets) Remember these?

Harvey: We're going to the magic show?

Joker: No, not _going_ to the magic show. We're _hosting_ the magic show!

Crane: Oh and you plan to kill everyone there I imagine.

Joker: You're a smart one doctor.

Harvey: But…but…our _vacation_…

Joker puts his arms around Crane and Harvey and pulls them closer. There's a smile on his face and demented ideas in his mind.

Joker: But what's a vacation without a little chaos to go along with it? We are going to show Gotham what villains are truly about! We'll show them _fear_! And _retribution_! But I am going to need help from the two of you. So how about it? Just a little _fun_?

Harvey and Crane look at each other and sigh in agreement.

Joker: Then on with the show! HAHAHAHA!

The Joker rushes away laughing and Harvey and Crane are left watching the manic run off. Crane glares in seething rage while Harvey munches on his candy indifferently.

Harvey: I think the Joker is always on a sugar high. Er, Crane? Something wrong?

Crane: That clown! He's my problem! He's wasting my time here and I've nothing to help me in my research.

Harvey: That's too bad. Here, have some candy.

Crane: No…what I need to do is show that clown who the real mastermind here is.

Harvey: Conspiracy against the Joker? Gasp! What are you planning?

Crane: Magic show sabotage.

Harvey: Oh, well, uh have fun.

Crane: And you're going to help me.

Harvey: What? But…

Crane: But what? He killed your girlfriend!

Harvey: True. But, wait-you're just playing your mind tricks on me! No! I won't do it!

Crane: (sigh) Well, I didn't think you would. I knew you didn't mind what the Joker was saying about you…

Harvey: Wait, wait! He's been saying _things_ about me? (Eyes growing watery) _Mean_ things?

Crane: Oh, no. Really, it's nothing. Just a few things. I'm sure you wouldn't mind.

Harvey: Like what? What has the fuckin' clown been saying?

Crane: Oh, just something about you being a deformed freak…

Harvey: _Freak_? I-I-I am not!

Crane: And I think the Joker said something about you not being a true villain. But don't get worked up about it. I'm sure he was only teasing.

Harvey: But I am too a true villain! I'll show him! I am just as good as he is! I'll show him! Count me in!

Crane: (smirking silently to himself) Thought so. (Back to Harvey) Ok I need you to keep this a secret from the Joker of course. Both of us will be the biggest villains in Gotham! With the Joker out of the way, I can keep the fear alive! No interruptions from that maniac!

Harvey: Well what are you planning?

Crane laughs a small sinister laughs. There is a twinkle in his eye.

Crane: Leave it to me.

In the next scene, we return back to the hotel room where Harvey is sitting on the bed, candy and various wrappers strewn around him. The Joker lies on his stomach on the floor with a stack of magazines beside him, three markers (red, black, and green), and one open magazine in front of him. To pass the time until the show, he has occupied himself by drawing Joker faces on every person in the magazine as well as the occasional HAHAHAHA scribbled over the page. But there is someone missing? The pretty boy of the group? Oh right, Jonathan Crane. Well, if you MUST know (why I suppose to you should as to continue the plotline), he went off to create an interesting little contraption much like a time bomb but releasing a large amount of his scary fear spray instead. What will this be used for? I'M NOT REVEALING JUST YET! HAH! Anyways, Crane returns back to the room, hiding the small contraption under his coat.

Joker: (without looking up from his drawing) Where have you been Crane?

Crane: Me? (trying to stay calm) I -er- I was at the...gift shop.

Joker: Oh really? Doesn't sound like your cup-o-tea, Crane.

Crane: I was er, inquiring about a book. A novel...something you wouldn't be interested in.

Joker: You sure took a long time there for that.

Crane: The shop owner and I had a, er, misunderstanding.

Joker: (looks up from his magazine) Now that's the spirit! Hihihihi.

Crane: Have you just been drawing on celebrities face this whole time?

Joker: Yes.

Crane: Productive.

Joker: Makes me wonder why I haven't been hired to do any of the make-up for any of these big time celebrities. I'd make them look unforgettable!

Crane: Yeah, I wonder the same thing too.

(Crane is about to walk into the bathroom when suddenly another one of the Joker's inquiries stops Crane in his tracks)

Joker: What do you have bundled up there in that coat Crane?

Crane: What was that?

Joker points to the suspiciously large bundle Crane is holding.

Crane: This is..is...a toaster.

Joker: Oh perfect! I was in desperate neeeeed of one of those. They make a perfect comedy prop.

Crane: No. It's my toaster. Get your own you sick clown. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be taking my bag and leaving.

The Joker stared at Crane for a moment and then jumped onto his feet. He was not happy about that news. Not one bit. Harvey looked at the both of them, interested in the immediate tension that just begun.

Joker: Leaving. No goodbye? No warning of any kind? No 'Thank you Joker for your extreme act of kindness and for blessing me with your presence'?

Crane: I don't find myself obligated to do any of those things.

Joker: Now now dearest Crane, that's not very. I wouldn't want you _turning_ against me at any moment. You wouldn't do that to your good ol' uncle Joker right?

Crane: I respectfully decline to answer that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am leaving again for a reason I cannot disclose. I'll meet you at the show.

Crane rushes back out the door as quickly as he entered to get away from any further questioning.

Joker: Sooooo Harvey, how would you like to be part of my little master _scheme_?

Harvey: Er, aren't I already?

Joker: No, I think it is time we do something about that straw-filled thing that keeps following us around.

Harvey: Crane? Are we going to throw more cold water on him?

Joker: No, no that was just an innocent fun _joke_. I think it's time we do something about him. I'll let you on a little _seeeecret_. I made a neat little bomb and-

Harvey: A bomb? We're going to kill Crane?

Joker: Shh! We don't want our friend to hear, and yes, why not? It will be _fun_!

Harvey: I can't do that!

Joker: Oh well, I didn't think you could. I didn't think you minded those things Crane has been saying about you anyways.

Harvey: Wait, wait! _Crane_ has been saying things about me? He _wouldn't..._

Joker: You're right. Just forget I brought it up. It's not important.

Harvey: Well…did he say _mean_ things?

Joker: Just…_things_. Don't worry your pretty, er, burnt little face about it.

Harvey: No! What has Crane been saying? Has he been calling me deformed and ugly and that I am not a real villain?

Joker: HAHA why, that is _exactly_ what he has been saying about you!

Harvey: How dare he! I thought he was my friend!

Joker: You know we can always do something about that…

Harvey: But...do that to Crane? He always seemed nice.

Joker: Well you know those psychiatrists. They are always soooo good at pretending they care.

Harvey: (takes out his coin) Heads I go with it, tails I refuse.

The coin flies into the air. Flip, flip, flip and Harvey catches it. Uh oh. HEADS!

Harvey: Looks like we will be teaching Jonathan a lesson.

Joker: HAHAHA GREAT! And don't forgeeeet. This is our _wil' lil' secret_. Now, here's what we're going to do…

* * *

So there you have it folks! Huh? What was that? No magic show like I said before? No sorry, I got caught up in the plot building but I promise it for the next chapter!

Reviews are always kind too.


End file.
